Returning from the Dark Side with Being John Ashford
Good evening, good morning, good afternoon, wherever you all be right now on planet Earth. It's your brother again. It's been a long time. My name is John Ashford, Being John Ashford podcast. I haven't done this for a long time. My girl, Maureen's been egging me on to do this. And so I like, you know, I've been in a different space, and today's podcast is going to be kind of interesting.
It's my journey coming back from the dark side, and I always have stories to tell. I guess it's not appropriate to eat on this podcast, but it's my podcast. I'm gonna do what I want to do.
I'm gonna talk a little bit about this because one thing that's happened with me is that in the last year my diet has had to change because my body is morphing. So I can't eat as much sugar. So I have to eat every two hours to offset this pre-diabetic stuff that I'm working on right now with my body. And I share that because that's part of my journey of the dark side.
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I say that because it's been a hell of a year. Just November will mark the year when I came to realization. I knew my mom, my mom is not with us embodied anymore. Pamela Marie Ashford has moved on to the spirit world. Kind of interesting how we talk about we always part of the spirit world, but her, she's not embodied anymore, and her crossing over left a pit in my stomach.
A lot of things I picked up before my mom, I, man, where do I start this y'all? I used to be a CF for Access Consciousness. And I say this publicly because when people hear this, I love Access Consciousness, it gave me a lot of insight, but as I start to explore the dark side of things for me, I had to let go and be by myself and not trying to explain that to anybody.
I'm explaining a little bit in, I think in this. This podcast, there's times when you get in a dark space when you don't want to be here anymore.
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And I, I went through that and sometimes I still have that. And I want to speak to that because what I realized I've never been suicidal, never thought about putting a gun in my mouth.
You know, I like me too much like that, but I've gotten to points where I can understand what people don't want to be in existence anymore. I had a mom that, I didn't understand for the longest, last year I had a mom that I was supposed to have an appointment with her, her son, and he OD'd on fentanyl.
And I remember seeing her go through this grieving process. And it was like, I felt that emptiness. When my mom passed, I had, I didn't realize that I wasn't dealing with shit before. So it got really, really dark. My dear brother, Melvin Hawkins, kept on asking me, am I all right? And I would tell him one time and we were, it was, it was last year, 2023.
We were at the blues festival, jazz festival in St. John's,
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Portland, Oregon. And, he asked me and he gave me a hug and he gave me a hug and pulled me tight and said, "How are you doing?" I said, "No, how are you really doing?" And it hit me that I wasn't doing well. I was acting on this facade. I was staying busy.
I was trying to facilitate groups. I wasn't trying to, I was facilitating groups, but I wasn't dealing with being present. Everything that was important to me had distanced itself. My relationship with my daughters is not what I really want it to be. And at that time period, I was just like not understanding this.
And I'm going to talk about some other shit that happens because whenever you talk about the dark side, you have to be willing to let in the spirit world, you know, and, and show grace for yourself. I want to read some, I'm jumping over here because my ADHD takes over and I'm like all over the fucking place.
I hope this makes some sense to people. Coming back from the dark side,
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it was kind of weird. When I start doing, I'm here, I'm jumping. I know I'm not staying with one subject at a time, but I'll get to the stories. When I started two years ago, I started picking up, but my dear sister, Vanessa got me interested in, she did a tarot reading, and I was like, "Man, I'm interested in doing that.”
And right after I broke my ankle, December of 2022, I took a class an Access Class on tarot. Being an X Man and right afterwards, I took for two months, I took a class learning Tarot and it actually allowed me to start jumping into some spaces that I always imagined. One of the things I realized by myself in this process, I've always been fucking intuitive.
I know, I know shit because I know shit and I know it and I act upon it. I don't go, I don't like when I get a while here at my ass, I'm like, "It's a while here at my ass that either hurts or tickles or itches, and I need to do something about it."
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I don't know why that shows up in my world like that, but it does.
And so. Tarot was one of those things I started to explore. And I'm going to show some of you guys, some of you might see this on YouTube. I want you to, when Maureen puts this up on YouTube, but this card here, it's the devil card. And when I got that, when I got into this class, you know, I was just like, "Ooh, the devil card."
And I started going back to all of my Christian raising and the devil card. And I realized this, this is a beast card and it has all the signs of the devil on there, right? But as I've started doing more research on it, the devil might not be who we think the devil is. Okay. But also this card represents a spot, I'm going to read this from this tarot book that I have, tarot cards for beginners, because I like this explanation of this card and I'm
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reading this because.
When you go through a dark side or a dark experience and you feel like you don't want to be present anymore, at least for my brothers and sisters who don't want to be on a plane anymore because you've lost somebody, you just don't think there's another possibility and you just want to fucking say, "I give the fuck up.”
I'm going to say to you, "I get it." I'm not in your space. I get it. But it's death. I'm coming to learn doing all my research and getting back to my meditation. It's just the doorway to another existence.
You know, this is going to be like some people are like, "Well, what about heaven?" Heaven can be part of that for you if that's what you choose, but it's just a doorway to another existence.
And I want to read this because my mind is going off to like, you know, you, where have you, there's a space on this planet where you've already died. So live to your fullest right now, but be mindful and show grace with yourself when you're going through and stay in the question. But I'm going to read this.
I'm going to read this right now. I'm going to show you guys this card one more time. Okay.
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In this book by Eva Gibson, she explains the devil card like this. I was just showing people the card if you guys weren't on screen. So sorry for those people who can't see my ass. [description of card] Anyway, a man and a woman stand with the chains loosely hanging around their necks.
The devil stands above them with a horn head and Eagle's legs holding a lit torch. The backdrop is black. “This is the card of fear and ignorance. You are chained by some negative influence in your life. Perhaps you are aware of the damage of these self-imposed limitations, but like the couple on the card that can easily free themselves, you seem to be complacent in your comfort zone.
The comfort of actually being fucking stuck stretch out a little and let those addictions negative thinking or temptations go once you overcome these, you will have access to more of a fulfilling life.”
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I was. And I'm going to say this to you people. I'm going to be really transparent. I like being transparent with shit at times. I still feel stuck because what I realized is that with the intuition that I have, I know stuff in my body is going through transition, and the dark side, I'm allowing it to come contribute to me.
I'm going to go to another story. Cause my mind's going to another story. Hopefully it gets to get to this answer. Okay. There is a new Star Wars. Shit. Let me pause this because I want to find this for y'all. Let me just kind of pause this. Okay. I took a quick break because I wanted to find this Star Wars story that I have just been hope this doesn't pull up on this.
So, okay. Yes. Early this year, my daughters and my son came by and they asked me to watch this acolyte by Star Wars. And I watched the acolyte with them when they were here and I couldn't get into it. I was like, "Ah," and some days passed, actually a month passed. And they asked me, "Did you finish watching it?"
So I went back and I started watching it. The story is about these two little girls that look black and Star Wars, and they were raised by this woman. Who's a witch. And they practice was
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not condoned by the Jedi. So the Jedi thought they were going to come over and actually control them and tell them how they had to have their practice.
Hmm. Does that sound familiar to anything else? And historically it's happened on planet Earth. Kind of interesting shit, huh? Well, anyway, I got into it and I watched it and I have, I know my left arm can't put my shirt up. I have a tattoo here of a Jedi, the new Jedis. And after I watched this, I was like, "Damn, I'm really, I'm beginning to appreciate the dark side of, of the Jedi force.”
And I realized that you have to have both to actually, to me, the dark side has something to contribute. If you're not willing to look at your dark side energy, then you can't really speak into the light. That's just my theory. But the whole aspect of it is there was a, there was a story told about how the dark side came about.
And the issue with it is that it was only partially true because another group of people, the Jedis and the like, wanted to control how
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these other people were going to do their magic. But nobody's going to control or police the Jedis. And so that's when I came to the realization that you have to come to the point of being, I have my own theory that we are all God energy.
We're all particles playing God, and God is. And the dark side is a contribution to you. The devil card, when you look at the card, these people could actually bounce and leave any time that they choose to, but they don't. There's a chain around the neck that they can, it's loosely fitted so they could just lift and walk away.
You stay with stuff so that you can have a lesson from whatever's you're being. Whatever you're focusing on right now and what I've come to find out is that once you're willing to step through that dark side and right now for me, I will you say example, the things going on in my body got me kind of worried.
Am I dying? I'm 61 years old. Am I
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sick? That's creating a space that's pulling that into my body. So, what I've started to do, my antidote to this, in those days I get really fucking dark, I have, let me tell you guys, I have a soundtrack that I created on Sound My, where is this, I'm gonna pull this up for you guys, cause I'm just gonna mention some of the songs on there, hopefully I can go there without playing the fucking song, my library, sorry about this, I have a playlist, it's called the happiest, and on my playlist, Hold on happy.
What a Wonderful World This Would Be by Sam Cooke, Don't Worry Be Happy as by Stevie Wonder, Sun Is Shining, then I have my Orisha music. That's bone. That's bonjour. Nay. I say a little prayer walk on by Beethoven 7 and upside down I created a playlist that
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actually changed the vibrational tension in my space when I wake up, because at nighttime I have a capacity of actually walking and walking on the dead-dead side.
And that's another soul of difference. So I have to get back to that, but my hope peeps about it is that I asked the creator to allow me to see before I transitioned, what is this dark side energy so that how can that be a contribution to my life? Abundant living. Now, a lot of it is actually leaving space to focus for self and come back to self.
And what I realized, some of my brothers and sisters who get suicidal, they get so far into that space that they don't give themselves grace with what's going on. And we call it mental health. I'm not denying mental health. Mental health is out there. But there's also a spiritual aspect of this that's fucking with us.
And it's not getting back to self. It's not leaving time for self. Like, everything's preoccupied.
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I'm amazed by the amount my friend came by and she ran my bars today and she's telling me about her girl, her daughter's boyfriend and how he plays video games and not eat healthy food. And I realize, that's a distraction.
30, 40 years ago, 50 years ago before video games? They're still distractions. What do we do with political systems that we have going on right now in the United States, Canada, and above where people think that this is the end, this is only the beginning, you think it's the end, as Bob Marley said, but it's just only the beginning, because when you start tapping into that space and not let fear occupy that space, and you're present, and I'm gonna close this, let next card, and then we'll continue this, this dialogue later, then it's not that bad.
You see some light when you let go and see in the
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distractions are addictions of all sorts. We like to pick on alcoholics and drug addicts and people on fentanyl, but there's other things. There's fucking the social media, the phone. Can you put your phone down for a second? There's so many distractions, but what I want to go back to is what I started to realize is that I had to show myself grace and some days like it took me forever to come back and do it.
This is my first podcast probably in six, eight months. It feels like it, and it might be close to that, but I'm not beating myself. It is what it is. I am who I am. And I'm actually walking through this movie and those days that I don't want to be here. I also asked myself this question, is this mine that I don't want to be? Or is this somebody else's energy? Because we're so powerful that we actually dance with each other energetically. And we don't know that sometimes we leave. Ourselves and other people's spaces. And we think that we don't want to be anymore. And you might not. But what I beckon
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you is that you ask more questions before you take that final step. And it might be that time. And, and I'm not going to say people, what people want me to say about, you know, I don't think suicide is bad. I think that it's a choice. I think that what I do realize is that I don't think it creates what you want to create. I say that. But if you have to choose that, God forbid, at least give somebody an opportunity to know, to speak to you, to match energy, to offer you another possibility. I'm gonna close on that. Actually, I don't want to close on that. I'm gonna read this real quick because I had this from a class earlier. Fierce presence. A lot of this walking through the dark space is learning how to be more present with self. Okay. I'm just going to read a short paragraph of this and I'm gonna let y'all go today. A fierce presence. And this is a card for those who can see me on YouTube. Fierce presence from my Oracle book called Lightworkers Oracle
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by Alana Fairchild. Within your soul is aptitude, amplitude of strength and courage, yet this does not mean that you must always approach your life path as a warrior. Heading into dark, into battle. Take a moment to concise consciously exhale. You will gain enough energy through this release and perhaps even see things in a new and more optimistic light. Shifting into a more present state of being will help you see clearly, be empowered to resolve any troubles, and successfully lay foundations for a more beautiful future.
Let your presence be fierce while allowing your heart to remain trusting,
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relaxed, and open.
I'm gonna end it there, y'all. Be present. That dark space is a huge contribution. My journey, I'm still going through this journey. I'll continue this dialogue later. But it's not, it does not have to be the end, and the devil is not what you think it is. It's a new possibility. You just have to decide that I'm done with this and I'm willing to move on.
I'm doing it. I don't eat that much ice cream anymore. Y'all. Okay. Until next time. Peace and blessings and check me out on my website, www.beingjohnashford.com, my YouTube channel, Being John Ashford. And you know where I'm at for Facebook and TikTok and Instagram. Peace. Oh, have a wonderful day. Bye.
www.beingjohnashford.com
